My Illness is personal but makes me think wider around. In same time, Illness makes me more selfish than ever but forces me to changes perspectives. I discover a new part of what I am made with: probably proud and a bit asocial. I never liked team sports, clubs and group hunting. Today I can hardly stand in a group and asking for help for my body hurts my pride.
I realize also better what’s life about for me: short so no time to spare without reason. No place for fear, complacency, diversion. I understand now that going far in short time needed to accept what I am and realize the good part of what it carries. The mark of it is that it provides self-esteem in return.
Being ill, I feel like a rotten apple in a fruit basket. My low energy and depression contaminates my close relatives and surrounding. I also avoid proximity to people who are or have been sick. I don’t want to know about their problems. I prefer not to know about other health problems I can have or avoid. I don’t want to concur or discuss about which disease is the most severe, the most painful. I do not stand discussion with ill persons.
Illness is a lot of manipulations. I am manipulated by my virus other patients can be manipulated by their tumor or whatever else. In return ill people I can see, and even myself, manipulate their surrounding with changes and induced pains. Another consequence of illness is weakness, and so patients get manipulated by his doctors, friends and relatives. This is why I try to follow Boris Vian words:
“J’ai mal à mon bédane, mais je le dirai pas” …
In the same time, people must know that I am changed by the illness. I can of course mimic health during short time buts it is as hypocrite, as it is tiring. To some extents, illness shows me that everyone is alone. As tell photos of Dijskstra, “not in the sense of loneliness, but rather in the sense that no one can completely understand someone else”.
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| katarina torsen |
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